[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
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so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate