Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
when u come home smelling like another dog
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked