I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You Might Also Like
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
do horses think humans are hats
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*has no idea what a book even is*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.