I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
😂💯
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I put the h in mysterious.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.