Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I am, perchance
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes