Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
You Might Also Like
very niche meme I made
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Breaking news:
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
😅😅😅