[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
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“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Cat is stressing him out.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Nice try, poison.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.