I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.