My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My typo game is string.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Only a mother’s love …
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
😂 amazing answer
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees