it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.