Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.