Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand