The best plant holders?
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes