STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Watermelon Boss!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.