one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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moms in horror movies
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Duolingo getting serious.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me My dog
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Pat is about to own someone
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here