If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My guardian angel deserves a raise
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid