The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
You Might Also Like
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.