Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
This dude got his own movie?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.