Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Every damn time
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.