I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie