Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.