I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.