Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet