What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.