The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.