I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore