Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Siri: Retweet me.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?