ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.