Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up