“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.