i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
smh
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.