Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
no
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My blood type is b hungry.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
This forever.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?