That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
No, YOUR illiterate.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.