Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
this post was so formative to me
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane