The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
plums roundup
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two