Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce