What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The first matador
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Not today. 😅
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”