me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
You Might Also Like
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I wish I could veto my bills.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.