I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in