How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I just tested negative for patience.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.