Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.