I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”