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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*