If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?