I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.