“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
You Might Also Like
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Knock Knock
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
me working on my assignments ^-^
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.