[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
repaired
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.