Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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dogs can find happiness so easily
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.