“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Damn what did I do next
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
😎 🍻
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.