I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
You Might Also Like
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
🤣could you imagine
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.